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I never really consider who will meet these words, who sits at the other end of this plastic box. So if you're strangers, lovers, lost or missing, please know that this journal is for me and not you.
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Apr. 20th, 2009 @ 11:53 am I'll see you on the other side of us.
What does it take
after days in the sun and sundays in the sheets
to drive away from me just one last time,
Please say its the last time.

What secrets will we not even tell ourselves?
like, 'I love you'
on the tips of nervous tongues
sounds like "Come Back" instead.

Timing is a tricky thing,
the two of us seeking out supplies we might need to make a life
different directions that always end up as circles
back to you and me.

So, don't worry darlin
its always 'just for now'
I'll see you on the other side of us.
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May. 28th, 2008 @ 08:28 am (no subject)
how many times do I have to tell you
I would drive my car out of gas on the loneliest of country roads for you?
In the middle of the night, and I wouldn't mind
But no amount of gas would get me to where you are,
you're always too far away.

I steel away into the night anyway,
without you is no loss
I kidnap the first thing with a heartbeat I can find
and we run away together
laughing,
taking pictures,
and finally enjoying the fall.
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May. 26th, 2008 @ 11:46 pm And finally, a love poem.
don't let it fool you,
this sunken ship is neither failure, nor tragic in the least
love's a ship not built to sail
so this boat sank,
quite naturally.

It dove into the depths with a smile on its face, singing old sailor's songs
the ones named after pretty lovers, left behind in haunted ports
The captain never shed a tear, but combed her hair and smoothed out her clothes
after all, she'd been waiting for this

Yes, it sank.
It had to.
It was either that or be anchored.

but a strong and unwaivering heat,
the kind that makes two people sticky with each other
the kind of stick that makes you too lazy to move,
so you stay, smile, and feel it forever
well, thats just plain worth sinking for.
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May. 26th, 2008 @ 11:28 pm (no subject)
it would be nice to say we're more
but you and I are actually less than the sum of our parts.
And its not physics, since the mechanics are all there, everything in tip top shape
and still this machine called 'us' hisses and shakes most obnoxiously.

How am I to get close enough to touch, with your walls this high above my head?
I can't even reach your wheel, let alone turn it.
Besides, too much of you is still in the shop.
Even when you're near, stiff bricks and goo divide us
and I can't find the keys
I suspect you buried them, or threw them in a lake
the instant you saw me coming.
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May. 23rd, 2008 @ 11:15 am (no subject)
I've poured my heart out to you for the last time.
I'm through with that now.
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May. 21st, 2008 @ 09:21 pm (no subject)
even your best efforts managed to somehow fall short
stuck in an indifferent inbetween where you kind of cared, but mostly didn't.
You told me I couldn't write love poems
but I just couldn't write them for you.
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May. 8th, 2008 @ 11:12 pm (no subject)
I am completely head over heals in love
and the words are literally falling out of my mouth at the very thought of him.
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Apr. 29th, 2008 @ 11:59 pm (no subject)
at some point my four limbs stumble their way home
only to spill the guts that ribs once caged in all over your ears
so deafening the sounds found within them
can you take it?
and you tell me you're not the type to be scared off by a single phrase
as if saying I love you is a game of cat and mouse,
I tease and you chase
or is it the other way around?

The thing about us is that we're both marathon runners,
trained for endurance and better at drawing things out
but on my way home, with poetic lines running through my head which cannot be remembered in the face of distracting lovers with their soft street corner wispers,
I discovered that I am a hopeless romantic, and I love it.

I'm the type that falls in love with this and that and the other all at once
and you're the kind that brags about rationalized emotions,
telling yourself there's hope to be found beneath them,
whose the liar now?
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Apr. 27th, 2008 @ 02:51 am (no subject)
when I was 14 my father said to me, "you should loose some weight, guys don't like big girls."
Ten year later, I remmeber it like it was yesterday,
I can't say I've lost weight so much as grown into my own skin
and men (and women) pick me up all the time.

May I never have a partner like my father.
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Apr. 23rd, 2008 @ 10:09 pm untitled.
It surprises even me that you have yet to loose an eyebrow, or precious eyelash.
that your pretty face has remained untouched all these years,
despite the swagger with which you light your frequent fires.

You and I both know you're not the kindling kind,
you use gas and lots of it.
you not only burn our moments but you piss all over their ashes too,
I swallow the smoke that was once our 'here and now'
and wonder why I hang around.

and still, between sweaty sheets I let your rough skin lure me out of hiding.
Your fingers operate like run way attendents at international airports,
everything about my body is directed this way and that, by a flick of your finger.
and I, only a passenger on one of the hundreds of daily departures,

sit not quite idle
but absolutely along for the ride.
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Apr. 8th, 2008 @ 11:10 am (no subject)
I just stepped out for a minute,
down to the corner store for milk and eggs, when April showed up.
He cam unexpectedly, never bothering to call ahead. Of course my house was a mess and I resneted him for being so uncoothe.
But he brought the smell of lilacs into living rooms
and sunlight until much later in the day
He's got that way about him, April does, all his audacity always equaled by his gifts.
I want him to stay but I know he will leave me soon,
that's another thing about him, as soon I as get used to having him here he becomes just a ghost again.
Gone.
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Mar. 6th, 2008 @ 01:30 pm P.S.
had I known that when you left my place it was to be for good, I would have asked you to stay
I'm so confused....
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Feb. 24th, 2008 @ 05:04 pm (no subject)
last night I closed the door on an old ghosts, and this morning I woke up alive again.
No longer stuck in the in between of wondering and obsolete emotions.
I walked into the room and didn't even look your way
I was there all night and never once made eye contact.
In fact, there were moments when I completely forgot you were there.

I didn't go for you, I went for my own reasons.
Because I knew that this chapter would never be written until I faced that one last ghost.
And I did
and now it is really over.
I have reclaimed my space.
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Jan. 28th, 2008 @ 01:18 pm Gone
Sure enough....

I was stopped short by a quick flash while walking down my hallway.
It was the bed that caught my eye.
Where once you would have been sleeping,
and I, always around the same time of day,
would come lay close beside you
and ask you to love me.

It was the feeling of odd familiarity,
the smell of someone I once knew so well...I stood there for too long;
Starred at my empty bed that was at one time ours,
and realized what strangers we now are.
I then sat at my desk,
put my head in my hands
and cried because you're gone.
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Jan. 28th, 2008 @ 01:10 pm (no subject)
a lot has happened
and everything has changed.
But i'm affraid if i start writing about it i might never stop.
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Nov. 13th, 2007 @ 01:31 pm passion in all the wrong places
we exploded. I yelled, you cried and I couldn't breath this any longer.
It was so quiet when you left, and even though we had just eaten dinner my insides felt so empty I thought they would collapse,
there was nothing in here to hold me together anymore.
I didn't know what to do with myself so I smoked smoke after smoke and made the most awkward moving steps I've ever manged in my home.
I gave up, and I hate to say it but it felt satisfying to hear you sobing through my telephone jack.
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Nov. 9th, 2007 @ 08:17 am (no subject)
Your footsteps lied to me, signifying vocal tones that just weren't there.
All heel.. slow, calculated, festering. And you tell me everything is fine.
Long drawn in silences.
Corner glares and I remember smiles,
But nothing is OK here.
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Oct. 20th, 2007 @ 11:26 am (no subject)
i have an overwhelming sense that everything is going to be alright
and in this calm I have found philosophy
once more
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Sep. 30th, 2007 @ 12:57 pm Basic. Welfare. Ethics.
everyone in my house is sleeping but me.
I'm learning to differentiate subjective from objective theories of welfare.

A pro-attitude towards the things that constitute my prudential mesurments of value might be necessary, but is it sufficient?
If the answer is yes then certain risky behaviours would have to be condoned. Pedaphilia, drug use, crime, and horrible spelling, we'd have to grant that these things actually do contribute to an individual's well being, soley on the grounds that the person experiences a positive inclination towards them.
If the answer is no, then my individual judgements of value, whether I believe a thing to be good for me, or to add to the value of my life, are inconsequential. In practice (if we subscribe to objective welfare theory) we would be forced to allow personal agency, liberty, and autonomy to become obsolete in practical ethics and notions of welfare. It would not matter what the individual decides is valueble, which actions a person thinks would be best for them, or make them happy because what they SHOULD, OUGHT, or MUST do has nothing to do with them at all. Here, pure paternalism would rule.
I'm not comfortable with either, however there are people (apparently smarter than I), who claim that there is no third option. That the categories of subjective and objective, along with the unadulterated consequences of each, are mutually exclusive and exhaustive.
Not quite. In my expeirience if you're attempting to discern coherence with a set of criteria that produces only two potentialities, and neither is very salient on a practical level, it is likely that it's the method, and not its notions, are incorrect.
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Sep. 27th, 2007 @ 01:36 pm She's funny that way..
Billie Holiday
September rain
wool socks
anti-racist feminism.

And Dan, I miss you too.
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